Category: Inspiration Business

(Originally published on 10/18/17 on www.DivorceGlow.com)

Last week I had made the impossible happen: I had gotten a sitter to watch my 3 kids so I could attend a speaker session at the local chapter of the National Speaker Association. For a year and a half I had been “trying” (albeit half-assedly) to attend one of their meetings but work, kids and apathy continuously got in the way.  However when I saw the description of the October meeting I knew I would get there, no matter what.

You see I have been baking an idea for a few years now and have made headway on it and recently I obtained the trademark for it. Divorce Glow, a business in which I use my knowledge and consulting skills working with startups in marketing, branding and planning and apply it to women who are emerging from divorce and in need of a clear new brand of self, a mission to make the most of the often painful and underused opportunity that divorce can bring to a woman.  I have been quietly growing this for 2 years now.

So I saw the post on Facebook for the session and it simply read: “Anyone interested in learning about how to launch an on-line course?” and below it was this woman with short hair and an enormous smile and me, having little attention span but being highly intuitive, saw this women and thought, “I can sit for an hour and listen to her. I will go.”

And I did. My darling boyfriend watched my three little girls and off I went to learn, with unreasonably high expectations.  I arrived to the hotel meeting room. A few familiar faces were there which was nice and the speaker was seated directly in front of me facing the audience.

She was tall, thin, wore a purple fur shawl and I thought, “she looks European,” based on her bold fashion sense.

Each of the maybe 35 people in the room had to stand in 10 words or less say what they did.

I was immediately scrounging for a pen to write on my napkin.  “What do I do?” I thought. You see when you wear many hats as they say and have a lot of irons in the fire that question is not always an easy one to answer. But that night I was there for Divorce Glow, I knew that much.

“I teach women how to start fresh after divorce.” 9 words. I felt like I should win something.

Anyway the introductions were done and the speaker began to speak. I was right. She was a wonderful mix of all nationalities non-American. She was also smart, funny and compelling.  I am often so bored at sessions and lectures because they lack the practical hands-on “do this, not that” details. She delivered.

I took notes that I promised myself several times during the night that I would not lose. I nodded in agreement, I made eye contact, I smiled at her slides.  I was a legitimate and authentic ass-kisser because I was so honestly happy that she was so good.

At the end of the night things went a few minutes over and all I could think of was I had to get home and make sure baths were done and homework was done and pjs were on for my kids.

I said a few quick good-byes, ran to my car ( a loaner because mine was in the shop) and threw my body into the drivers seat effectively crushing my $16 Target sunglasses. I drove home too fast.

Fast forward to 6 days later.  Deep in procrastination of writing an article for my site I decide to dive into the abyss known as LinkedIn.

***Audible GASP!!!!*** Followed by “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” as I crouch down to my kitchen floor and cringe. There she was; short hair, big smile — right there on top of the “Viewed Your Profile” category: Sylvie di Guisto. 

I whimpered.  I have not updated my LinkedIn profile in God-knows how long.  It is a jumbled mess, a look into my entrepreneurial mind with a nod to my practical real estate business and dash of my love of photography.  You see all these things earn me clients. All these things make me happy. But none of these things is what I would say to Sylive di Guisto if I had 2 minutes of her time.

The worst part, she did not send me a connection request.  Deep, unreasonable sadness is all can do to explain this moment. My procrastination had caught up with me. I have been FOR MONTHS saying “I really need to update my LinkedIn profile or just take it down.”

And there it was smack in my face: Today’s business lesson: Use it or Lose it

Don’t self-sabotage by leaving dated, half-baked, forgotten social media profiles floating around on the internet with posts from so long ago that people who happen by your information quietly wonder if you are deceased.

Don’t update your profile after a few glasses of wine with what you want to do or think you can do or feel like you might do. Don’t, don’t do that.

Don’t pretend like just because a certain social platform doesn’t quite do it for you that you can just leave yourself out there like a rusty, splintered clothes pin forgotten on a clothes line. 

Either USE your profile or LOSE your profile.

Maybe Sylive looked me up because she looked the entire audience roster up.

Maybe Sylive looked me up because she wanted to know why I was creepily smiling at her through her entire presentation.

Maybe, just maybe, she loved my 9 words and wanted to know more about what I was working on, but my profile was so schizophrenic she bailed.

I may never know. I do know that I have set up a time next week to work with a women who specializes in helping people like me, people with a lot of talent and skills and ideas who can write about so much but who can’t seem to simply articulate themselves succinctly enough to satisfy a social media profile without feeling like we are leaving the best part of ourselves on the cutting room floor.

Sylvie — I loved your session. I am sorry if I creeped you out. I’d love to work with you someday but I can’t do that indoor stair running thing you do because I’ll probably collapse a lung. I would love to be a LinkedIn connection of yours, once my profile is updated.

Thank you so much for being the kick in the ass to updating my profile.

Julie Avellino

Update: Sylvie responded and it was AWESOME! Hop over to www.divorceglow.com where this was originally shared to read her response.

 

I experienced a profound moment of awareness a few months ago but I needed time before I could write about it. Sometimes I have moments that strike me with such clarity that it shakes me and the experience lends itself immediately to paper and other times my moment of self-awareness goes beyond what I can easily explain with words.  I love to write but I love to tell stories in person when given the opportunity. I can speak to a group and move them to tears through laughter or sadness and I can paint a picture of a moment using tone, hand gestures, a twinkle in my eye, and a careful touch on the shoulder. But this summer I had powerful moment of insight packed with magic and writing about it intimidated me because I knew it was important to get it right. I knew I had to share it with you (yes, you reading this right now) and fully explain the magnitude of the moment I had and how it can help you. It was my experience, but I know I experienced it for the sole purpose to share it with you. To create a ripple.  Today, sitting under my comforter with my apartment unusually quiet and client work done for the day I am alone in my bedroom with the window wide open listening to the sound of heavy rain hitting the first fallen leaves of the season and I feel like it’s the right time for me to share the moment I’ve been holding in my heart for months.

My life so far has seen adventure, success, failure, love, heartbreak and soul-testing losses that literally took my breath away. My divorce in 2014 is something I still can’t fully explain. Was it caused by or the catalyst of what I call my “mid-life awakening”?  I am still unsure. But I know that the past few years for me have been about quiet learning, the dismantling of perceived expectations, about giving myself permission to be. These years have left me beautifully vulnerable, raw and free. But still there are times when I question myself, my ability to support my kids, and I have a battle with the demon of doubt that lurks nearby.

Months ago I left my apartment in the morning and stepped out into the hot summer sun and walked down the sidewalk to my car. I opened the driver side door, tossed my keys in the cup holder, sat in the driver’s seat, put my foot on the break and pushed the ignition button. I was a million miles away. Stuck in my own head I had already forgotten what I had done 5 minutes earlier. I was not present. Like a whirlpool of voices in my mind, an audio loop of negative self-talk was running punctuated with “what if”, “I wish”, and “how am I gonna…” over in my head mixed with tiny bits of songs I hadn’t heard in years and replays of television commercial jingles. My mind was fighting my soul. Mucking it up. Dredging up the past any way it could to keep me from experiencing the present and setting my intentions for the future.  I felt such a heavy anxiety, the weight of self-doubt at times can be crushing. And what’s worse is that over time uncertainty and doubt will steal your dreams and self-worth.  But the moment I pushed the ignition button something unexpected happened and it would change my life. My wipers turned on.  I watched them go left, right, left, right on the windshield. They made a gentle swoosh sound. And that sound brought me into the moment and out of my spiraling brain. I vaguely recalled the night before when the last few minutes of my drive home were dampened by a lazy drizzle that had begun 3 stop lights before I made the left hand turn onto my street. Once parked I pushed the ignition button to turn off the car and went in for the night.

So now there I was, in the bright summer sun with not a cloud in the sky and my wipers on.

I sat in the driver’s seat and watched them. A neighbor walked by on the sidewalk and looked at me funny. I didn’t care. Left, right, left, right they went.  And I sort of stared through them, past them. I didn’t blink. It was trance-like.

The moment I had the insight it came through me – I could actually feel it. It was warm and moved front to back through my chest. I did not hear a voice. It was just a knowing. It was like a hand I could not see delicately placed a flower in my chest at the exact moment it was about to bloom and suddenly I was flooded with an incredibly vibrant “knowing.” This has happened to me before. But never at a time when I was at such odds with myself. And the timing of this I think magnified the effect.

I knew then, in an instant, the storm is over. The sun is shining. It has passed. It is done. It is gone. It will not come again. It is over. You are safe. You have what you need. It is time to turn the wipers off. How many single moms don’t know where to find the faith and inner-strength to let fear and uncertainty end? How many women wake up each morning carrying the storm of yesterday into a new day and for a moment sit in their cars full of school papers and water bottles and hair elastics and gas station receipts and dead pens and socks of various colors and sizes and for that split second before they start their day and ask “how in the hell did I get here?” or “how do I get us out of here?” Have you ever been one of these women?

By thinking this way you are in essence beginning each new day with your wipers on even though the storm has passed.  Imagine going through each and every sun-filled day carrying an open umbrella and running your wipers each time you drove as an outward expression of your inability or unwillingness to let shit go or as a way to show the world how hard you are on yourself or that you find an odd, familiar comfort in negative self-talk.  Maybe you are unconsciously choosing to continue the storm because even though it sucks you know you can weather it, but what you don’t know anymore is how to be calm and steady and slow and deliberate and intentional and bloom in the sun; independent and brilliant?

In this moment the physical world reminded me that if I was not careful my fears were going to affect how I saw the world and how the world saw me. My fears would be a distraction, just like windshield wipers are. They would be in front of me keeping me from seeing my path clearly. I breathed in deep. I said out loud to myself, “I am ok. Today is a good day. I will make it into what I need and what I want. My storm is over,” and with that, I turned off my wipers. And the moment they were still so was my mind. A visual of a straight line actually came to me versus the manic up and down, left, right, left of just a few moments before.  And now, when I feel my mind beginning to ramp up the uncertainty of a situation I take a deep breath and remind myself of that morning, knowing that storms and chaos are temporary but my ability to believe in myself and my capacity for surviving is a constant.

So now I want to know, have there been times where you caught yourself going through life with your wipers on? How have you taught yourself to calm your mind and move past the fear?

I’m in the business of the intangible. I am hired to develop insights and ideas. I work with people in many different ways: as a business consultant, lifestyle coach, Realtor, and photographer.  In each role I elicit my clients’ authentic voice, guiding him or her to see for themselves what feels right for them. Supporting them as they timidly let go of the “should’s”  put upon them by other’s expectations. Even as a photographer it’s not the photograph I am selling, but an essence, an emotion, a mystery.

One of my real estate clients a few years ago described the experience of working with me in a conversation I will never forget. He said, “are you going to ‘miyagi-ize’ me again today?”  I smiled and asked him what he meant by that and he said, “you know, you are going to subtly impart wisdom on me so I can make the best decision for myself and feel like I came to the conclusion on my own.”

“Yes, yes I am,” I told him, beaming. He got it. He was all in. He was committed to the process and I knew then that he would be able to see past all the should’s of where and how he should live that his extended family was putting on him and that he was going to make the best decision for himself. It was a great day, and he found the ideal property shortly afterwards.

But for every person I work with there are many others who never cross the threshold to become client. Some who can’t embrace the process and honor their inner voice. In most cases those people want guarantees before the process starts that a measurable change will occur. (I used to be one of these people, so I get where they are coming from.)  You see insights are immeasurable. Every single insight offers value beyond measure. Sure, some insights can offer immediate, life-changing, big, bold, bright moments of awareness, but those are not the norm. Typically insights are quiet, small, subtle “noticings” that lead to a clients awareness of a subconsciously repeated pattern or an unsubstantiated fear. It’s up to the client to build momentum and create change as a result of having the insight. They need to put value into it, treat it like a tiny piece of gold, see that small piece of gold as “enough” and believe that there is more to be found.

So often people want a guarantee that they will quickly hit a mother lode. But that is not the way Soul Coaching works.

You see with soul coaching, I, the coach, can’t guarantee much at all other than that I will show up. Every time. I will be present, dedicated, non-judgmental and I will find your authentic self and coax it out.  The real guarantee comes from the client. They have to take responsibility for the process. The guarantee they make is to themselves. They must guarantee to show up, to persist through frustration, to hold the space as sacred, to be honest and raw and to let go. But perhaps scariest of all is that they must acknowledge that even the smallest amount of insight is like finding gold. Uncovered in the soul, these flecks of golden insight are valuable beyond measure. And if they can learn to value that, then they will learn to value even the smallest, buried pieces of themselves.